Biblical Submission
Freedom under a unified mission, not subservience under a domineering husband.
Ephesians 5:22-33
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Possibly one of the most contentious, and contended with, passages of Scripture is what you just read.
Oftentimes only verse 22 is quoted, with the context - thus the meaning- of the overall passage being all but disregarded.
Poorly applied - outside of God’s intended purpose - this verse is understood as meaning that a man’s wife has no say, no voice, must do what her husband says at all times, without question, and that failure to do is justified as resulting in abuse for lack of subservience.
That is not God’s design.
The Strength
A husband’s duty within his marriage is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her - this, quite literally, means that a husband is called to be willing and ready to die for his wife, laying down his life for her.
His love is sacrificial, putting his wife’s needs first.A wife’s duty within her marriage is to submit to her husband, as to the Lord.
Her love is submissive, putting her husband’s needs first.Both, husband and wife, are called to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. (Eph 5:21)
This is meant to be a symbiotic relationship between husband and wife, where in submitting to, the wife serves her husband and in submitting to, the husband sacrifices for his wife.
The Beauty
Discipline. Self-control. Accountability. Responsibility.
Biblical submission within marriage is no accident, not done by chance or luck.
As discipline, husband and wife actively choose to maintain a heart posture towards Christ, submitting to each other out of reverence for Him by putting the other’s needs first - in service and sacrifice.
As self-control, husband and wife embark on their own journeys of putting off their old self and putting on the new self (Eph 4:22-24). Putting off behaviors, actions, language, habits - things that do not aim to serve their marital covenant, honor God, and represent Christ.
In contrast, putting on behaviors, actions, language, habits - things that do aim to serve their marital covenant, honor God, and represent Christ.
When done well, there is a notable Before and After to old self versus new self. With the intention being to serve, love, and honor the other - thus God - over self.As accountability, husband and wife are held to a higher than worldly standard - by themselves, their spouse, and - ultimately - God to be open to correction, being admonished, active and ongoing change through the sanctification of the Holy Spirit.
As responsibility, husband and wife are held to a higher than worldly standard - by themselves, their spouse, and - ultimately - God to honor God, represent Christ, serve, honor, and love each other within their marital union.
The Power
Truly, found in the Before and After, the old self versus new self, the union, unity of Oneness.
The power of biblical submission is the strength of a team, amplified through the sanctification of the Holy Spirit, in representation of Christ, for God’s glory, and the good of the marital union.
In a wife submitting to her husband, she is intentionally and actively choosing to trust in his leadership, decision-making, sound mind, protective instincts, and vision for their life and family.
In her submission, she offers invaluable support, encouragement, building up; she is her husband’s helpmate, most trusted advisor, and confidant.
The love and support of a submissive wife is the backbone of a healthy, biblical marriage.
The beauty and power in submission is the understanding that without it, a husband is not the strongest, most grounded, and successful that he can be.
Testimony
Prior to my husband and I’s marriage - for six and a half years - I was the ‘dominant’ one in our relationship within a power-play dynamic (the two of us ‘challenging’ one another for power).
I made all of the plans, decisions, I was nit-picky of the things that he did and how he did them which would cause the same fights over different things.
Within our ‘power play’ dynamic, (per his desire), I would insult him and he would find it genuinely funny and enjoyable. He would instigate or provoke, I would bite back, and on and on.
We had fun.But over time, I noticed something.
I noticed that when he was feeling bad about himself and talking down on himself, he would use the same things I said to him as an insult during our joking against himself.
I came to see this as a pattern, brought it to his attention, he was okay with it still, so I continued - until I couldn’t anymore.
I expressed to him that I could not be a contributing voice to his negative self-talk and that I desired not to speak that way to him anymore.
He was resistant because he enjoyed the laughs, and the (honest) truths - but he accepted my resolve.Shortly after we got married in October 2023, I began reading Scripture for myself for the first time around April 2024 and made the commitment to, instead of just not insulting him as a form of joking around, replace it with praise.
See, before, I didn’t praise him like I could, and frankly should, have with the reasoning of not wanting to inflate his ego, giving him a big head.Shame on me.
Our spouse deserves our praise. If the person that we married and will be spending the rest of our lives with cannot, or will not, praise us, what is the point of being married?
Praise does not mean perfection.
It does not negate mistake and wrongdoing.
It’s about showing appreciation and gratitude for the one you are spending your life with and building a life together with.
Our spouse deserves to know that they are appreciated, that we are grateful for what they do - no matter how big or small - that their efforts don’t go unseen and unvalued.
My husband is not a Believer, but I submit to him all the same, because in submitting to him, I submit to God, in serving him, I serve God. (1 peter 3:1-2)
Although he is not a Believer, my husband has supported and encouraged my faith journey since its beginning - including, but not limited to - purchasing a Bible cover for my birthday, another Bible of a different translation to add to my growing collection, and a journal with one of my favorite Scriptures on it, Jeremiah 29:11.
Now, do we have as much fun as we used to, during the six and a half years of our power-play dynamic? Truthfully, no.
But we have peace.
A peace within our marriage that we never had prior. And now we get to redefine what fun looks like and means to us.We have peace because I no longer nit-pick the things he does or the way he does them.
I learned to appreciate that even though he does things differently than me, he’s meant to, because he is different than me.
I came to understand the gravity of thinking that he should do things the way I think he should - realizing that I was attempting to remove him from who God created him to be, trying to shape him into who I thought he should be.
Contrary to what the World would have one believe, biblical submission - when lived according to God's design - is strong, beautiful, and powerful.
It provides the marital union with a solid foundation for growing together in Christlikeness moving forward in a God-honoring direction, where loving and serving each other are emphasized.
It's about embracing and embodying our natural God-given roles and gifts for the benefit of our spouse and family.
It's about building our spouse up, in a World that seems set on spouses tearing each other down.
It’s about providing love, support, and encouragement to our spouse while they pursue becoming Who God Created them to be.
Most importantly, it's about taking on, and conquering the World, hand-in-hand, through a biblical lens, as representatives of Christ, in a God-honoring way, for His glory, and our ultimate good.